2018 saw a huge amount of change for me in my outlook on life and my business. I can track it almost exactly to an event that occurred at the start of the year and took that year to play out. It will actually be something that never leaves me.
My husband and I had made some massive decisions in our baby-making journey. Cut a very long story short for those of you just joining – after cancer plus 6 years of trying for a baby in various ways we had rested and come back stronger with a plan to have a baby via surrogate in Canada.
What I noticed when we made that decision was the change in my body. I felt lighter, brighter, more at ease. I felt more free than I had done in the longest time. I felt strong too. And this directly played out in how I felt about my business.
I felt more able to make some difficult decisions that had been playing on my mind for well over a year. I felt more able to execute them swiftly too. I felt more able to share myself and some of the things that had been playing on my mind openly and authentically. As a result I invested in some things that truly felt right, that have gone on to support me and my business in so many ways now. I feel like the cogs all popped into place.
And I know why.
I know it’s because I let go of one very important thing, that I wish I’d let go of it sooner.
Fear – and not just any fear. But fear of judgment.
I held onto so much throughout the years, and whilst it wasn’t always obvious (to me or others) fear of judgment always stopped me sooner than I wanted.
Fear that I should be doing something a certain way.
Fear that my choices were being questioned.
Fear that I wasn’t good enough.
Fear that I would be called out.
Fear that I was teaching or sharing something I had no right to teach or share.
Fear that things might not work out.
Fear that I ‘should’ be doing something else.
I’ve even probably worried about fear of judgment of writing this kind of blog. How crazy is that?
The interesting thing is, you and I both would have thought I’d have lost this fear by now – as someone who’s been through a life threatening illness, surely? (I kind of loathe that sentence. Just like the ‘as a mum’ prefix, like you can’t have an opinion or feel something if you aren’t in a certain group).
To this day, I still get people, usually new and in passing, who suggest I must be so grateful to have gotten over cancer and thus live each day to its fullest. But not only is this a tough one to shrug off to polite people who only mean well (and ruin their dreams) it’s also complex because we – usually most survivors, and of many other health issues for others too – question it daily too.
We do think ‘why aren’t I more grateful?’.
The reasons we aren’t are for another blog but suffice to say, when we are able to be – fleetingly or, gratefully (ha!) longer – something rather amazing happens.
You can almost feel the ‘fuck it’ button being pressed. You can almost feel all the fear dripping away and this confidence burning inside you. The energy coming right back. The resilience armour being gently, comfortably pressed back on. You’re ready.
And whilst this is such beautiful energy and time – you are focused beyond belief during it – it’s not possible to live every day like that. And that’s not me trying to sound negative, it’s just tiring to always be in that energy, and we have to balance it with different energy or else we’ll burnout (this is for everyone, not just illness-survivors).
For all of us, I wish for us all that we can let go of fear of judgement, to hold onto the flashes of clarity that I KNOW you also get, and move through the mud with grace and ease and hold onto what’s exactly right for you and those you love.
Make a decision. Do it. Go with it. Don’t overthink it. Stop worrying about what others think. Don’t live for the ‘what if’. Live for the ‘how can we’.
When we do this, we feel able to concur the world. We truly feel at ease and peace with ourselves – our gentle strength rising.